The end of my sobriety, a bipolar episode, emotional detachment and life changing decisions

I am no longer in sobriety. It feels very surreal writing that, but then that epitomises my life – surreal. I have tried for weeks to untangle this one and articulate what’s going on.

If you know me, you’ll know I was so fucking passionate about sobriety. But that’s me, isn’t it? Tits deep into anything I put my mind to. I’d have bet my life that I would never drink again. I felt this way for over 2 years. For 2 years, 4 months and 10 days, I didn’t touch a drop.

During January of 2022, I reached out to my GP in crisis, I knew I wasn’t well. I was, in fact experiencing a dysphoric manic episode. Just a couple of weeks later, something happened to someone I love which I blamed alcohol for, and which subsequently triggered my sobriety. My brain is like quicksand during this time - a hyper vigilance that means I have an insatiable appetite for information. Once I get an idea in my head, I can’t let go and it’ll consume me. At least, until it doesn’t anymore, which is where I am at now.

Alcohol was a pretty big part of my life, I loved drinking and loved being drunk. I had started to question my relationship with it because I didn’t exercise much of an off switch, but in the blink of an eye, I then fiercely detested and demonised it. Interestingly, despite hating on it so much, I still grieved my life where alcohol was a part of it. It’s a strange feeling. Like grieving the end of a toxic relationship – you know it’s bad for you and you can’t go back but you still miss them. The hardest thing though? Having to deal with every thought and emotion that life, and my sometimes ridiculous bipolar and ADHD brain throws up….without a crutch. I had nothing to shut my brain up now. To take the thoughts away, you know?

In the beginning, I counted the days, the weeks, and the months and felt incredibly proud of my strength. But, over time, I started to struggle to take credit for it. I began questioning if it was just my brain doing “Em Jay things.” Was my sobriety truly my achievement or just another manifestation of my bipolar mind? I felt conflicted when people congratulated me, inside I was thinking “But you don’t get how my brain works, I simply CAN’T have a drink, my brain won’t let me!”  I sometimes wanted to, but it would be the equivalent of now believing that grass is blue. At times, I was pissed off that I had stopped drinking. In a ‘why can’t I be as obsessed about something else, like giving up chocolate or something?! Why alcohol?!’  kind of way. It is incredibly difficult to explain because it confuses the shit out of me.

It’s now August 2024. I had my first drink again at the end of May. I had been hypo-manic for a couple of months and during this time and had experienced stronger cravings for alcohol than normal. It felt like an intense itch to just get absolutely smashed and go wild. I think something that is widely believed – but false, is that mania is the happy, positive and elevated mood where you’re living your best life, which it can be (and I definitely was for a few weeks) But, symptoms of mania also include agitation and anger. For me, it’s not so much anger, but an energy that I just don’t know what to do with. Like I’m a volcano that’s about to erupt to release the fizziness in my brain and stop the restless feeling in my body. It can be that intense, it feels like restless leg syndrome but EVERYWHERE. My journal entries included the following:

“I woke up anxious, my brain is so busy, and I feel agitated by everything that needs doing.” 

I had an urge to do EVERYTHING and all at once. I’m talking about deep cleaning every inch of the house, decorating, chopping trees down in the garden, re-building the sheds, making the garage into a bar (I wasn’t even drinking again at this point).

Another read:

“I don’t feel well. I’m agitated, anxious, pacing, racing thoughts, uncomfortable, I don’t feel myself but I’m familiar with this feeling. I don’t want to be here, in this room and I don’t want anyone here. I need everyone to go away, and I need everything to change. I feel like I’m scared of a tornado. I am the tornado. I feel wreckless. My eyes feel weird, and I can’t even physically see properly, I feel detached. How can I feel like I’m not in my own body but at the same time feel SO uncomfortable in my body? I’m so agitated, I don’t know what to do with myself.” 

Over the next week, I would go on to write (rant) about how my home not feeling like home, I don’t care about anything at all, and I want to press reset on my life. I had noticed that I didn’t feel love or jealousy. I felt impenetrable…numb. 

I didn’t care for Richard in the way I once had, I didn’t care for not drinking like I once had. I didn’t want contact with my family. It’s like all of my feelings just fucked off.

So, during this time, I started to drink again. It wasn’t a spectacular fall off the wagon. I just decided that at the weekend, If I wanted a drink, I would have one. And I did. I had a glass of prosecco with a meal and then a few vodka and diet cokes. I just wanted to feel SOMETHING.

A couple of weeks later and still no change in my impenetrable, non-feeling self, I ended my 5 year relationship with Richard and he moved out. For seemingly NO reason. He had been near perfect for 5 years. I could see the pain I was inflicting, the confusion I’d caused because he didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see it coming. We had a great relationship, the best I’ve ever had to be honest. But I still did it. I was as sure about not being with him as I felt when I stopped drinking, and as confused as I’d be if the world trying to tell me that grass is blue. What… the… fuck?.

The day that Richard moved out, from early hours in the morning til late at night, I spent frantically cleaning. The day after that, I decorated my bedroom.

That was 5 weeks ago now and although I’m ‘levelling off’ from mania, I still feel detached. I don’t know when it will come back and when it does, whether it’ll be a plummet to the dark side of bipolar where the guilt will consume me, or not. It’s terrifying to be honest because I DREAD that so much. For the moment though, I’m happy, I’m relatively productive and I still feel somewhat blasé, albeit a little uncomfortable with it.

Those 2 years and 4 months (and 10 days!) of sobriety were crucial, I do not regret it and in fact think it’s one of the best things I could have done for myself and my mental health at the time. The break changed my relationship with alcohol. I don’t love it like I used to, and I can drink mindfully now, just having one drink if I choose to. Who knew?! If I need to stop again, I know I can.

I don’t know what the future holds, I know none of us do really. One of the things that has caused me the most distress through my life is uncertainty. It’s a feeling I really don’t cope with very well. Isn’t it ironic that the ONLY thing that is certain in life, is that life is uncertain. Let me go overthink the shit out of that for a few days…lol.

A final note to my sober buddies

I hope sobriety brings you the things it brought me - clarity, self-love, a renewed sense of purpose, deeper relationships and all of the things it took from you in the first place. I do know that sometimes you have to seek these things though, they’re not glaringly obvious amidst the grief of not having a drink. It is a courageous journey and one that can be the most transformative of your life. Keep shining bright and lighting the way for others.

And whatever journey you are on..

I’ve learnt that I must honour the lows as well as the highs, for they all contribute to the tapestry of our growth or recovery and remember, it is never about perfection but perseverance.

Trust in your strength, believe in your worth and just get up one more time than you fall.

With all of my love,

Em xx