Supporting a younger person with anxiety and introducing the Anxiety Toolkit
I am not about to tell anyone how to be a parent or that I have the cure for anxiety, I am not qualified to do that. I am a 45 year old woman, with a life-time experience of anxiety (and other mental health conditions) a qualified counsellor, plus experience of working in Public Health supporting people with basic coping techniques.
Having suffered with my mental health since childhood, I am a keen advocate of promoting positive mental well-being and using my creativity to put together the Anxiety Toolkit came about as a result of that, a progression from the Positive Mental Well-being box and as a result of customer requirements.
My aim here, is to give a little insight to how well-intended words, or actions, can actually exacerbate anxious thoughts rather than alleviate them, especially in children. And, instead suggest some helpful and supportive things to say or do.
I am a parent myself and I don't underestimate the pain of seeing your child or someone you know struggle with anxiety. Supporting a young person with anxiety, may feel especially overwhelming.
Whilst some emotions feel unpleasant and can have a very negative connotation, it’s important to remember that all human emotion exists to serve us in some way. For example, letting us know what is important, or not and giving us moral compass. Anxiety can induce the fight or flight response which happens on a physiological level - we get increased levels of vigilance and focus, certain parts of our brains shut down, whilst others fire up, to help us deal with a perceived threat. We are emotive beings and being able to regulate/manage our emotions is fundamental, as they have the capacity to affect our lives in immeasurable and sometimes irreparable ways.
Naming emotions and feelings is something we have to learn to do, and we learn to do this from a young age, with practice. A 3 year old may be able to tell you that they feel happy, sad or angry but learning to regulate feelings comes later. For example, a 2 year old feels frustrated and so throws a temper tantrum. Their first tantrum is because they haven’t learned to regulate. Their subsequent tantrums will be a mixture of not knowing how to regulate and the learned behaviour of the tantrum.
If through peer interactions and societal influences, a Childs or persons feelings are continually unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, it can lead them to question the validity of those feelings and influence their ability to regulate themselves or even be able to name an emotion they are feeling. This can also cause them to not trust their own feelings in the future. A damaged self-esteem can negatively underpin everything else.
I see these memes that say things about adulting or wishing they were back at school because they didn’t have a care in the world. Yes, we didn’t have to worry about paying the council tax or what to feed everyone on a limited food budget, but I had the weight of the world on my shoulders as a kid! I felt everything intensely and worried incessantly because I didn’t have the advantage of cognitive reasoning at that age.
Parents and adults, in a well-meaning attempt to reassure, can unknowingly exacerbate anxious feelings in a child. Saying something like “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine” feels harmless or even helpful, right? Not if I’m anxious or worried. I can’t just decide to not be anxious because someone told me to. Trust me, I did NOT want to feel the way I did and if I could just stop it, I bloody well would have. Whether you think a feeling is reasonable and justified or not, it is important to remember that it is very real to them in that moment.
Reassurance comes from acknowledgement of their feelings, and that they are not alone because you are there to help and support them. Not just from telling them there is nothing to worry about in the first place.
“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine” (dismissive)
“I can see you’re worried, you’ll be ok, you’re not on your own, lets breathe through this together” (acknowledged, reassured, supported, heard)
You can help the person see for them-selves, whether the worry is normal or catastrophised by being curious, listening and empathising. This can help the child to process their own feelings, gain a little insight and then furthermore, be able to manage them in the future. Instead, try “I understand that you’re worried, can you tell me more about that?” Further prompts might be “what does that feel like in your body?” Be curious and seek to understand.
I’m no psychiatrist but I am telling you from experience that one of the most helpful things you can do for a person is to LISTEN, without judgement, to their feelings. Remembering that whilst you may not understand, it is THEIR experience. With safety and help, they can explore their feelings, gain perspective on them and in turn learn to manage them.
This anxiety toolkit utilises widely used tools, presented in a cute and engaging way to encourage use of these effective anxiety management techniques.
Anxiety and other mental health struggles can be difficult to understand if it’s not something you have experienced yourself. Simply gifting this box will show the sufferer that even if you’d don’t fully understand, you hear them.
For the person experiencing the struggle, this kit may give them acknowledgement, hope and some tools that can empower them to help themselves.
Taking time to go through the kit, learning the techniques for yourself so that you can encourage the use of them, will pay dividends.
**The information given here and the Anxiety Toolkit is not intended to replace support from a professional, but to raise awareness and promote tools which have been of a benefit to myself or the people I have worked with. Please seek professional help if you need to, there is a wealth of it out there and I know in these times it is not always easy to access. Please consider the following:
Your GP