For the first 6 or so weeks of my sobriety, I listened to endless amounts of 'quit lit' (quit literature). For hours, every single day. 6 books in total and each one of them, twice. I also bought the paper copies. I don't do things by halves. I was utterly obsessed with consuming every bit of information I could about sobriety and alcohol. I was insatiable.
A week before my sobriety declaration, I had been prescribed anti-depressants so my mental health wasn't exactly in a good place. I was in fact, experiencing a Dysphoric Manic phase of Bipolar Disorder but I didn't know that at the time. I was just doing everything I could to re-write the bullshit in my head about alcohol. There's a book called "Alcohol Lied to Me' by Craig Beck and it bloody well does lie! I loved that I knew the truth/saw the light/had my epiphany and I swallowed that literature up in excess. In order for me to abstain, it was imperative that I kept it demonised. But I also needed inspiring - Instagram was brilliant for that, I connected with the sober community on there, I related to people and knew they got me too. Invaluable.
I felt motivated reading stories of success and the benefits that sobriety had brought to so many people. Better sleep, less anxiety, better health, more energy, mental clarity, weight loss. Yesssss pleeeeeease!
Instead, sobriety seemed to deliver me a massive fucking sucker punch. 3 months in to sobriety and taking anti-depressants and my mental health was still very much in my arse. Fuming. I thought this obsession with alcohol was OCD. It's the only condition I knew of that could start to explain how consumed, frantic and debilitated I was. I later found out of course, that it wasn't OCD
3 months in (Mid April) and I didn't have a list of benefits to share because I was still blighted by the weight of my mind. My medication was doubled and I'd started to have some weekly psychotherapy, so I still hung on to hope that they would, eventually, come.
During months 4 and 5, (May and June) I began to experience joy again and felt like I was coping better. the depression hadn't lifted fully but I had glimpses of more positive mental health.
6 months of sobriety and my medication for depression and I know I am still not right, I should not be feeling this depressed still. I had unpicked so many things with my Psychotherapist including past trauma that I had already had counselling for years prior. I had always attributed my depressive episodes to life events but this time was different. I was happy and confident in my job, the relationship I had with Richard was perfect and unlike anything I'd experienced before. Why had I struggled with depression this time and why did it get SO bad this time? It's not life experience that made me depressed, it was depression that was fucking up my life.
Still despairing at myself and having recognised some pretty interesting patterns and personality traits with my psychotherapist, I sought help from a Psychiatrist in July of 2022. I was working within the NHS at the time and I knew the waiting lists could be years long for that sort of support, so I went privately. I borrowed money to do this. By the time I had my appointment in July, I had abruptly shifted from depression to some other crazy shit that Pep Talk Pebbles was born from.
July 2022, despite everything, I am still sober. In the beginning I had vowed to go 1 year without alcohol but pretty early on in my quit lit binge and seeing my psychotherapist, it became a 'I will NEVER, EVER drink again.' This was one of the patterns of behaviour I wanted to speak to a psychiatrist about.
These are the books I listened to on Audible. I also listened to 'The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober' by Catherine Gray but for some reason I didn't buy the paper copy. I have ADHD so I'm not the best person to talk to about books I have read as I can't remember much about any of them, I just remember that they are very bloody good and they helped massively.
As I write this, I am a week away from being 15 months sober. I do get better, sobriety gets better, keep reading my future posts if you want the happy ending, lol.
Thank you for being here. I love you x