I know my writings can be difficult for people to read, they are sometimes deeply personal as I don't shy away from the raw truths of how I experience life. I openly talk or write about my mental health, bipolar, ADHD and whatever highs, lows, chaos, clarity, struggles or strength it brings because I have always felt so misunderstood. The stigma and assumptions surrounding the condition, and consequently about me, are far from accurate. I'm not seeking sympathy; rather, I hope that by sharing my experiences, people will judge and assume less, and that a sense of solidarity and understanding is fostered amongst anyone experiencing challenging times.
I wrote this poem during my descent from a hypomanic episode:
I am manic, I am sunshine, blazing bright,
With this boundless energy, I don’t sleep at night
Laughter echoes, joy cascades,
In a world where all my fears fade.
I’m happy, excited, playful and free,
Untouchable happiness, I like this ‘me’
Sounds are amplified, colours are bright,
The glee is palpable, not a worry in sight.
Flights of ideas, impulsive decisions,
Confidence high and no inhibitions.
Loud, inappropriate, flirtatious and fun,
Although I know, I’m embarrassing to some
No fucks given though! I don’t care,
I’m enjoying this elation, whilst it’s there.
“Are you ok?”
“What are you on?”
Ha, I’m riding a tsunami and you’d better run!
Now let’s sprinkle on some agitation,
A niggling anxiety and bubbling frustration.
Anxious and uncomfortable with just ‘being’
Not feeling quite right, but a familiar feeling.
With the same eyes I’m looking, but things aren’t the same,
I’m starting to hate myself, all over again.
I can’t cope with myself, and my emotions switch off,
I throw a grenade on my life, I can’t make it stop.
I can’t feel love, just a fierce deflection,
Am I protecting myself, from my own inflictions?
Things I once obsessed over, don’t feel the same,
Honestly, who am I? My bipolar I blame.
Emotionally blunted, I disconnect,
I feel next to nothing, except…
Confusion and bewilderment, at where I’ve been,
And terrified of the crash, that I foresee.
I’m levelling off, cos I’m tired now,
And in the wake of destruction, my head I’ll bow.
In the passing of time, another storm could brew,
In a mind that’s divided and torn in two
I fear a shift to the silent thief,
That steals my joy and leaves such grief.
A heavy cloak, a darkened veil,
In those depths, I’ll silently wail.
The pendulum can swing with such relentless force,
Not needing a trigger or obvious cause.
Whether highs so high, or lows so deep,
My brain is so busy, it never sleeps.
A manic high, a depressive low?
A mixed dysphoric episode?
I could be stable for a while?
Who fucking knows, and who decides?!
I still find beauty in this stormy dance,
In every fleeting, fervent trance.
For in the chaos, there's a spark,
A resilient flame in my dark.
I hold on to the light, however thin,
Embracing the turmoil, I feel within.
For in this struggle, I find my might,
Living with bipolar, I will always fight.
I know I’ll bounce back, or have periods of norm
I’ve been here so many times before.
If the darkness arrives, I know it won’t stay,
And that thought will get me through it, day by day.
By Em Jay
P.S. If your squirrels are also at a rave, you may like the illustration available in my store. I have it on my bedroom wall, it looks fabulous and it makes me smile.