This is to myself and of course it’s to you too, if you know this pain. The torturous plague of self-degradation, I notice when it sows it seeds now. It’s almost Pep Talk Pebbles first birthday and almost a year since my diagnosis and with the benefit of now knowing what to be vigilant for, I have felt a subtle, but noticeable shift in this last week or so.
My brain is fizzy all of the time, but it feels like it’s getting fizzier, and it scares the shit outta me. As a chronic over-thinker, it is possible I’m flapping about nothing, but I am very aware now of spiralling, so when I notice these shifts, I gotta acknowledge it and do my best to take action.
One of the things I notice, is my desire to write more. It has always been a way for me to take off the cork or untangle the string of chatter in my head.
Sometimes I don’t even know what to write about and I just stare at a blank page until I can grab one of the fizzy thoughts. I feel it in my bones, this uncomfortable feeling of just being in my body and not knowing where to put myself to escape it. It’s a suffocating cloud I’m familiar with. I’m ok…I am not there right now but this is me taking the first blow and punching it in the tits.
If you struggle with yourself sometimes, then I hope you relate to this little talk I had to myself. Don’t drown out the love and support around you with your inner voice, cos it can scream so loud it makes you wince up your face, close your eyes and put your hand over your ears. Meaning that you stop hearing how much you are loved and stop seeing all of the things that make you so magnificently you. Be kind to yourself today, your inner warrior is listening.
I love you and I love me too.
Em xx