I have debated with myself over and over about whether to share more of my mental health struggles. Sometimes I feel really strongly that I shouldn't have to filter myself and wear a mask anymore, I've done that my whole life and it hasn't helped, in fact, I think it's hindered. Denying or hiding leaves me questioning what's real or what isn't and I feel like a fraud. It's not nice. So I have decided to move forward with authenticity and brave being honest, instead.
I have shared little snippets over my social media, particularly around my sobriety but following my latest episode and diagnosis and the misconceptions I have faced already, it's spurred me to write this. Writing has also, since adolescence, been very therapeutic for me, so how could I not write about it? So, yes. I'm sharing.
For anyone struggling with their mental health and for any mental health professional, they will know that validation is such a massive deal. How a person is thinking or feeling IS VERY REAL TO THEM and sometimes very confusing. So imagine the further distress when you're brave enough to speak up, only to have your feelings invalidated? It's unhelpful at best, absolutely crushing at worst.
I already tell myself I have nothing to be depressed about, I don't need you to tell me that too. I already feel terribly bewildered when I come out of a depressive episode. I only recall how bad it was when I read my diary back, I often don't recognise that Em. I remember the weight of it as I read it, but I struggle to connect the dots that it was me and that I wrote that. I already feel embarrassed at myself for some of my behaviours when I'm "up" I'm not exaggerating when I say, I do my own fucking head right in.
My whole life, I have never felt right. I have had numerous breakdowns over the years but always attributed them to life stressors. I have been treated on and off for depressive episodes, anxiety, eating disorders and complex PTSD. Recently, I have been seeing a Psychiatrist and at 44 years old, yes, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar and ADHD.
If you know me, are you surprised? I have told very few people so far and i've been taken aback by a couple of the responses.
"No way do you have ADHD"
"You don't look Bipolar"
No? Well you don't look bloody ignorant but yet here's ignorance, right in front of me.
Jokes. Part of me does understand the surprise and reaction so I haven't said the above out loud. My own understanding of both of those conditions has been challenged. Mental health is a spectrum. No two people will present the same symptoms. Mental health is not something you can always see. Surely you know that? You think Bipolar is how it's portrayed on Eastenders? It is for some. But not everyone. You think ADHD is naughty, hyperactive or unruly little boys or teenagers? It is for some. But not everyone. We could say they are stereotypes.
There are traits of Bipolar and traits of ADHD but put them together along with traits of personality, genetics, life experiences, trauma and you'll get a more unique representation, than that of a stereotype.
For the vast majority of my life I have bottled things up and not spoken about how I am REALLY feeling. I have found it difficult to verbally articulate it sometimes. This latest depressive episode - I tried hard to be more open and honest about it with a few people. I desperately want to be better, to cope better and thought the way I've coped so far in life hasn't helped, it keeps coming and biting me on the ass and I feel very misunderstood. So, I'll be honest and pro-active with seeking support instead, and try and get off this pissing merry go round. Sometimes I have felt relief and understood and yet sometimes, I have felt worse.
I know comments such as "Everyone feels like that sometimes" or "yeah that's normal, I do that" are well intended and so far, I have mostly refrained from saying "of course, but does it make you question your sanity? Does it debilitate you? Affect the way you function? Does it make you want to jump off a fucking high bridge because of the intensity of it all?"
Those well intended comments are meant to reassure me that I am ok, I get that. But I know I am not ok, so instead of reassuring me, it invalidates and confuses me and makes me feel even more crazy than I think I already am. Might I add, this is different from conversations with people who accept my diagnosis and are using those phrases to relate and explore those traits in themselves, rather than to play down my symptoms.
There are some things that I do, which come as no surprise to people that know me. My obsessive nature. How steadfast I have been with giving up drinking for example. I can hyper fixate on things and it dominates my mind and life.
I understand that you're not with me in my darkest hours and I don't reach out or post on social media that i've been crying for 3 hours and I have absolutely no idea why other than I'm uncomfortable 'just being' and I don't know where to put myself.
Of course, I am not like this all of the time. Bipolar is polarised moods but it's also mixed and middle ground. It's also 'normal' moods. As Bipolar is an issue with regulation, so is ADHD.
My ADHD is mixed type. It can be a deficit in attention or hyper fixation. It's experiencing everything in HD and with intensity. Sensory overload. My mind is 'fizzy' all of the time and rarely bloody stops flitting from one thought to another and then other thoughts get stuck and they're cyclical. Sometimes i'm outwardly quiet but it's because I have 1000 thoughts at once. When sensory overload is too much for me, my brain just shuts down. I can feel that overwhelmed, that it paralyses me and at its worst, you may catch me staring into nothing for anything from a few seconds to hours.
This illustration is funny but it literally epitomises how I experienced my school years.
It's not necessarily massive things, it can be deciding whether to shower, brush my teeth or put the kettle on. It's not like this all of the the time either. Each day is a spectrum too. There is very little grey with me though, I'm mostly all or nothing and seldom in the middle. Where I am with Bipolar will also influence how my ADHD presents and visa versa. And, I'm just scratching the surface here of a possible 40 year experience of it and making sense of it through this diagnosis and with my Psychotherapist and Psychiatrist.
I didn't see anything wrong with it but it's the comments of others that made me question it. "Should you really swear on your products? or on your social media posts? Do people need to know that? Do you need to say that....?" almost with a cringe face. I feel that's down to their embarrassment and that's their problem.
My business website, is exactly that. MINE. I can share what I want on it and I do not feel the need to keep that part of me separate to my business. Besides, I can't because part of myself is in everything I create.
I'm not forcing myself down anyones neck, if you are here and reading this it is because you want to be and in which case, I thank you. If it means I have gone down in your estimations or you've lost trust in me as a seller, than again, that is your problem and not mine. I lose out on a sale but it's more important to me to be authentic than to hide part of myself to sell more stuff. I am so sick of not just being myself and simultaneously, sick of being myself. Yeah, I know. Rolls eyes.
We judge what we don't know or understand, so no hard feelings from me. I can hardly expect others to understand me when I'm only just starting to understand my bloody self.
With my diagnosis, I am starting that process of understanding and in sharing with others, I hope that they come to understand too. Mental health can be as debilitating as physical health and although it's something that is much more broadly spoken about now, I know from my own very limited experience of telling people, how misconceived it is.
I know this is SO cliche but. very fitting all the same...
Everyone is fighting a battle that you know nothing about.