Imposter syndrome, defining success and the story so far

What is a proper business?

I once had someone tell me that they had a new job, and when I enquired where, they said, “It’s similar to what you do, but for a proper business”. I was working from my home studio at the time. In January 2024, I moved out of my home studio into a commercial studio space, I didn’t give it ‘oooh, proper business now’ thoughts, but still, I got “Em, It’s lovely, it’s like a proper business now!” I wasn’t offended by this comment, but I was fascinated, particularly after it had not been the first of its sort.

Fast forward a couple of months, and I’m having a conversation with a fellow small business owner who has a shop down south. He was aghast when I casually disclosed my Etsy fees to him, which then led me to explain it was proportionate to my turnover. Honestly, he was speechless and when he could speak, he said something along the lines of “Wow, well done! This isn’t just a side thing for you then, it’s real!”

Again, fascinating. It’s not that I care what other people’s perception of what my success is, or whether that equated to me having a ‘proper business,’ It just made me ponder again, success as a whole, and how we each measure it. It must resonate differently for each individual but at the same time, I think there is a collective, societal way of thinking that’s more in line with the yardsticks of success like wealth, fame or power. Or things like property, vehicles, holidays? For people on the outside looking in, it wasn’t me designing and making things from my garage, and selling them on Etsy. That wasn’t a proper business and therefor, not successful? In all honesty, I didn’t have a measurer of success for myself, but I did believe that one day Pep Talk Pebbles would make it - whatever that means? I didn’t even know! It took a knock in my confidence to determine what success looks like to me, and as uncomfortable as it was at the time, I am thankful I experienced it now.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

The National Institute of Health defines Imposter Syndrome as: Imposter syndrome (IS) is a behavioral health phenomenon described as self-doubt of intellect, skills, or accomplishments among high-achieving individuals.  

I was swimming along just nicely, in my own little world, fulfilling my daily Etsy orders and earning enough money from it to pay the bills – just. I then came across a vlog on YouTube of a girl who crocheted toys for a living and her life looked SO together. Her vlog starting with her drinking her Matcha tea, making her bed in her stunning city apartment, and successfully selling her makes at markets and fairs every week. Then, very aesthetically making sushi and shit, in her fancy kitchen for dinner. Who the fuck has time to make sushi whilst running a small business?

I glanced down at myself, realising I was still wearing my boyfriends t-shirt that I’d slept in the night before, I hadn’t brushed my hair for a good 3 days and I really did not have it all together. I wasn’t making time to cook or eat, clean or look after myself. I was immersed in Pep Talk Pebbles but not in a particularly productive way either. Many an hour lost through procrastination, distraction, rabbit holes and ADHD task paralysis. It felt like someone had woken me up from a dream with a ‘what the fuck are you doing’ slap around the face. Who do I think I am? Leaving my job to pursue my business, posting my creations to my few hundred followers on social media, delusionally thinking people give a shit. I felt embarrassed of my myself and like I was failing. I had no right to be in this creative space, I wasn’t qualified to be! I hadn’t so much as an Art GCSE. The more I looked, the more I thought I didn’t deserve space. Back stories of other businesses didn’t align with mine – I didn't believe I had enough business acumen and I certainly had no design qualifications. Nope, I just got manic and here I am. The more I thought about it, the shitter I felt about it too – I’d done it again. Bounced out of a depressive episode on a delusional high, and then finding myself in a WTF kinda moment. Bewilderment is a familiar feeling for me.

So, I’m not sure if I experienced Imposter Syndrome as such, or whether it was the usual bewilderment and inadequacy that can encompass my bipolar and ADHD brain, but it came with heavy self-doubt and punch in the tits to my self-esteem. 

Without the awareness I now have, of how my brain works, I’m sure that could have been the start of another mental health decline. My thoughts and beliefs about myself can quickly become cyclical and like many, I’m prone to self-fulfilling prophecies.  Instead, I brain dumped [writing everything in my brain down onto paper] so that I could define what success was to me. My list was,

• Working for myself, so that I had the freedom to ride my struggles without fear of losing a job or being chastised - Being my own boss is so important to me
• Doing something that allows me to unleash my creativity and passion – doing work that I WANT to do
• Having a positive impact on others
• Personal growth
• Being able to support myself financially and not rely on anyone else.

For me, success isn't loads of money or material possessions; it encompasses holistic well-being, and a sense of purpose, living authentically, in alignment with my values and passions. These metrics capture the essence of true fulfillment. Furthermore, they are not things that can be compared to others. I have no idea how fulfilled crochet toys lady is? But I made assumptions about her success based on her ability to seemingly have it all together, her beautiful apartment, healthy, slim body and immaculate presentation. AND, the fact that she made fucking sushi.

I keep this list and refer to it when I feel inadequate, when sales drop or when I don’t feel like I deserve the space I take up in the market that I am in. It reminds me that success is subjective to every individual, and I must take my validation from my own internal compass and not others.

Another lesson I took from this was how easy it can be to focus on the chase - the next £10k sales, the next 1,000 followers, bigger, better and so on. But doing so, can put us in a permanent feeling of lacking and wanting, and forgetting how far we have come. So, as I launch my new website, writing this blog seemed timely. I did my website myself and it has taken forever - a lot of learning, asking questions, watching tutorials and a few tears of frustration. All the while, my Etsy sales have been on a rapid decline and lower than ever. I’m nervous about launching this new site, and I know that’s contributed to me taking SO long to finish it. I’m avoiding uncomfortable feelings of comparison, and not being good enough.

After the conversation with my friend down south about turnover, I asked on my social media what people thought my turnover for Pep Talk Pebbles was in 2023. Not for any reason other than pure curiosity. The guesses ranged from £5,000 up to £70,000. My own Sister mocked a £55,000 guess, saying “Wow, some people! Imagine how flat out you’d be, I’d have to bring a camp bed down!’

My turnover in 2023, was just over £80,000. I wouldn’t be wearing pants with holes in on the daily if that equated to earnings might I add!

Anyway upon reflection, I am incredibly proud of my little business. I recently made my 10,000th sale on Etsy. Although it did feel like a milestone, a card from my friend to commemorate the occasion, choked me up and added perspective for me. It read;

"From a pocket full of garden pebbles to a workshop full of your creative designs, selling in the THOUSANDS! I'm so proud of you! You never give up, you always look forward and you achieve always!"

Thank you Carlos, I'll take that. I may have felt like I didn't deserve to be here, but I am, and that's because I give it everything I have. On rubbish days, that's not much but I learn constantly, adversities are actually opportunities. I'm proud of showing up, authentically, unapologetically and bravely every day in this little corner of the universe. There is space for us all. 

Thank you to you, for reading this - it matters to me. Thank you to those who humoured me when I tornado'd into Pep Talk Pebbles, literally collecting pebbles in my pocket. For supporting me and believing in me, and for laughing with me and not at me. 

Sales may be down 50% on 2023, but that is only one measure of success. I am well, I am fulfilled, I am blessed to have the outlet for my brain that I do. I see the value in protecting that at all costs, so the remainder of the year will be focussing on taking a deep breath, bravely putting myself and my business out there and living my dreams.

Oodles of love,

Em xx