16 Month Sobriety Update
Today, 16th May 2023, I am 16 months sober. There is not often a day goes by where I don’t feel pride, relief and still a deep contempt for alcohol. Sometimes I do still feel grief though. No one really prepares you for that bit, the lure of sobriety is often about moving away from pain into a rosy future of better sleep, less anxiety, less shame, blah blah blah. But the grief is real. I really did grieve that part of me, that part of my life and the romanticised elements of being a drinker.
I have so many good memories too, my god I’ve had some fun, it wasn’t all bad, I absolutely loved drinking! So, romanticising is still something I do sometimes. I think that’s ok, it doesn’t mean I want it back, although it would be so god damn easy to fall in to that trap.
The trap? - I’ll drink less this time, I’ll just stick to xxx and no spirits. And whatever other bullshit creeps in. Similar to how we can be in other toxic relationships. They’ll change, they’re sorry, it wasn’t that bad, they’re worth it. ALCOHOL DOESNT FUCKING CHANGE and we CANT get better at moderating, that’s the very nature of the beast, we bloody know it and yet time & time again we end up being this 
but it does not make us stupid or weak.
but it does not make us stupid or weak.
Sobriety has no room for complacency but It comes anyway - I don’t allow it to stay. Most days I do something to help my sobriety, I have to keep my ‘why’ alive, I have to keep on with feeding my brain the truth, digesting quit lit, podcasts, documentaries and so on.
It’s very difficult to put into words but honestly, it is life changing. Removing that battle altogether is a freedom that’s hard to express. I no longer have to feel exhausted with trying to control drinking because there is no choice. I simply don’t drink. I don’t drink. 3 words that have freed up so much of my head and taken away so much dissonance.
16 months in, I’ve done many ‘firsts’ now. Every one of them reinforces my resolve and confidence that I can do life sober and not only that, it’s BETTER. It’s like taking off a helmet and seeing/hearing everything for what it actually is. That’s fascinating!! Sometimes disappointing but my god, it makes life AUTHENTIC and cuts through so much superficial bullshit.
It can also be one of the most difficult things. Not always fitting in with your life and how everything and everyone around you carries on and you have to show up for that life sober. Whilst grieving the part of you, you’ve left behind. The world doesn’t stop, people don’t move from their own habitual ways to accommodate your change. That is hard. You don’t have to leave your whole life behind but there does have to be a shift and finding like minded people to help you feel less alone, at least whilst you build some resilience, is priceless.
Happy 16 months to meeee and if you’re sober, happy sobriety to you too! I see you, I am in awe of you and I’m here for you 
xx
xx